Death Mystery

Death or Dismemberment Sign

Woken by the terror of being exposed for a transgression I might have committed 40 years ago, that’s how this dream ended, or did it? The interesting thing about this brain in my head is that although my waking mind might want to escape a nightmare, the brain has other ideas and insists on continuing the journey of working out what it was processing prior to me stepping out of bed and finding enough wakefulness that returning to the stress of what was being dreamt is over.

I was racing through the panic that something that should remain hidden was going to be uncovered, and somehow, I knew that I’d be implicated in what was unfolding. A mysterious round spot of concrete floor had drawn the attention of new residents of my childhood home, “What is underneath that?” Why should I even know, let alone feel some sense of guilt, about this discovery? Maybe it’s because my brain had already foreshadowed that I’d be the likely suspect due to circumstances that would become evident once things were revealed.

So, with ugly anticipation, I stood by in fear as the thick slab of concrete was broken up. Once a small corner has been opened and I’m recognizing what is about to be revealed, a skeleton is coming into view. Immediately, I recognize the clothes and am drawn into dread that the signs are pointing right at me: I killed this woman and buried her in my childhood backyard. I need to escape and run away from the universe that is about to close in on me! At this moment, I wake up, hoping that a trip to the bathroom will put sufficient distance between me and this horror so that I won’t have to continue the experience. I was wrong.

Who was the woman buried under this slab that has entombed her for the past four decades? Why and how would I have murdered someone and then buried her at the very home in which I had grown up instead of somewhere far away? Dreams move in peculiar ways, and before law enforcement is involved, I watch a news broadcast that shows an old photograph from 40 years ago featuring the woman and the unidentified man with whom she was last seen; it was me. I knew that there’d be no escape.

There must be some hint of memory of how this happened and why, but I can’t find anything. Surely, I’m doomed, and I’m trapped in this restless dream I desperately want to end. First, though, I must figure out why and how I’m implicated in something I don’t seem to know anything about. My conclusion is that based on me in the photo, I must have been between 18 and 20. The first clue explaining things comes to mind: these were the years I was in the throes of drug and alcohol abuse when, more than a few times, I had walked through days in total blackouts. Okay, I can’t find a memory of this, as I was likely so high or drunk that the situation was wiped from my mind.

The next clue that knocked at these non-obvious memories was, “Why did I bury her at my childhood home?” Hey, wait, I wasn’t even living there during the worst of my self-abuse. Be that as it may, maybe I did it because I couldn’t deal with the body at the house I was sharing or the apartment I would take later. So, I’m still likely going to be seen as guilty of the crime.

Cracking a hole into the back patio and then refilling it with fresh concrete would have never flown with my control freak father. He would have investigated that in a heartbeat. Just then, I remember that my father had gone to court due to charges regarding the allegation he’d molested a family member, and then years after, another sibling told me that our father had molested her as well. The cascade opened up; my stepmother once started to complain to me about my father. They’d been divorced some time and she was about to tell me about something that she instantly had regrets about even alluding to, and stopped herself short from sharing that memory. What could it have been?

It’s dawning on me that all fingers point to him, that maybe I’d been inebriated, and he offered to give a ride home to the woman with whom I had been hanging out. This would make sense as only he could have allowed the concrete replacement. Maybe he really did have a predilection for sexually aggressing women and girls, and my desire to see my father as a hero, albeit an angry one, had clouded my vision of the monster he really was.

As I worked this out in my sleepy half-awake state of tossing and turning, the gripping anxiety started to relent to my relief that nothing of the events of those days were in my head as the situation was not of my making.

Impossible Episteme

Cactus Flower in Phoenix, Arizona

Other than the awareness of my ultimate demise, I have no episteme (certain knowledge) of nearly anything. Not knowing allows me to harness the fluctuating effort to learn and, in turn, find surprise after gathering hints that I might be starting to know something. When people stumble into knowledge and ascribe the progress to harnessing reality and demonstrating it through the function of the machine or device, we move further away from our place within the biome to somewhere within our egos. We, humans, have reveled in our sense of superiority while taking the ideas of balance between arrogance and blunt stupidity with a grain of sand. With our determination to understand, we move closer to defining the parameters of reality and how our species can wrest control of that direction from confusion as if that were truly possible. We are not interested in symbiosis; we require enslavement to our will and are afraid of losing control.

I refuse to have lived without living a life worth respecting. I am not an animal in a machine but a creature manifesting love out of complex pattern recognition. I am not a homogenous object; I have all the potential of a dynamic individual flirting with self-awareness. I am not so much random as I try to be deterministic. I am not a thing assembled by media constructs as much as I’m taking form from my relationship with nature, discovery, and deep curiosity.

And God said unto the people of this world, “You must repair your ways and leave the earth as a healthy ecosystem for the rest of this planet’s life. As the failed children of my son, you have one last opportunity to atone for the vulgarity of your arrogance; sadly, I do not have faith that, as my creation, you have any collective sense among you.”

Recently, I experienced a death long in coming, one that surprised me due to the perceived maturity I’d reached; on that day, philosophy presented its corpse. I was shocked as I thought it had a long life ahead of it, and although I couldn’t find those who’d carry its body forward, I believed it was simply me not looking hard enough for signs of life. Nope, it died silently some time ago; I can’t say precisely when, but it is gone. In its stead, a relationship with hopes for wisdom is rising, but it’s an infant nearly without form, or maybe it’s a seed yet to materialize as matter. Maybe it’s only a shapeless amorphous ghost of a fetus waiting to be slung onto the cross, into the wind, or on a trajectory towards the heavens. The potential of this new body is only hinted at by loose ideas, fragments of letters, and still-assembling thoughts.

If writing emerges from seeing that death is on our horizon and reading arrives from our effort to deny that ultimate fate, exactly how then does the narrative keep death at bay? How does the writer execute a story that would lay bare the need to walk into the fire in order for the reader to embrace the opportunity to learn of what arises from the ashes of their own little death? The fear of the unknown encourages people to cling to the murky light barely visible in the fog of ignorance, as becoming alien (enlightened) to those familiar to us is as frightening as joining the league of zombies eating their own. The story thus functions as Kafka’s axe, able to chop into the frozen sea, freeing us from our grave.

Words emerge from the darkness of my skull in which they were stored temporarily, locked in the wet, inky mass of my mind before taking form in an instant and being directed to my hand, where they’ll convey messages to me after finding shape and sequence on paper or screen. I read these strings of hopeful meaning, which, if I’m fortunate, will carry some small amount of poignancy, but more often than not, I discover stumbling blocks in my intention to share inspired clarity. Sorting the myriad of potential images that exist in the near infinity of an evolving mind, hoping to direct relevant meaning into reality, is a daunting exercise. It is easy to fail to recognize the impossibility of finding sense out of the mayhem, but that’s just what we must do. So I back up and correct the lines/places I’ve been and adjust the future I’m trying to navigate in anticipation of those who will one day read the thoughts of someone unknowable. I leave these fragments as a trail into what has fed me though even I cannot identify where the simplest of words or their basic forms populating this head were first encountered.

When I look into the sea, I’m looking into the souls of my wife and me. Out there in the tumult of the liquid expanse, chaos holds the promise of washing over everything and consuming the entirety of all that has ever been. Our souls would be wise to take inspiration from that watery realm as this is what time is doing to us every moment of our lives. Of those around me, I fear their complacency to be but a leaf falling to the dirt below, unaware of the sky, stars, sea monsters, the abyss, or the fragility of their current situation. So, we thrust ourselves into the waves, splashing in anticipation of encountering a kind of bliss and an unfolding story being shared with the fish out of water.

Lucia di Lammermoor – Intermission

Intermission during Lucia di Lammermoor at AMC Theater Desert Ridge in Phoenix, Arizona

As not every weekend will see us traveling outside of Phoenix, we must find the things nearby that will lend new memories to our lives. Echoing out of May 1997 was our first encounter with Lucia di Lammermoor that arrived via a blue alien diva in the movie 5th Element. Twenty-five years later we are seeing a modern adaptation of Gaetano Donizetti’s and Salvadore Cammarano’s opera originally based on a book by Sir Walter Scott titled, The Bride of Lammermoor. The first part of this modern interpretation following Lucy Ashton (Lucia) and her struggles in 17th century Scotland first performed in 1835 in Italy has now been brought forward to America’s rustbelt in a broken impoverished community with a gangster problem.

Fire Shut Up In My Bones by jazz musician Terence Blanchard was my first encounter with truly contemporary opera and this was my second experience with opera seen through a setting that modern viewers might easier relate to. Just as with the previous simulcast from The Metropolitan Opera of Fire Shut Up In My Bones, I wanted to dislike the very idea of dragging me out of the history of what the original was portraying. Like that other opera, this version of Lucia di Lammermoor took a moment to find its way through my expectations.

Props to The Metropolitan Opera for switching things up and experimenting with greater diversity, mixed media, and betting on artists that might bring new fans into opera. This must surely be an epic undertaking worthy of the greatest operatic stories told upon their very stage. Our next visit to a Met simulcast is just 2 weeks away with a performance of Hamlet.

Heart of Afghanistan

Heart of Afghanistan performing at the Musical Instrument Museum in Phoenix, Arizona

Nearly at the last minute, Caroline noticed that ticket sales for Heart of Afghanistan performing at the Musical Instrument Museum were weak and asked me about going. In our efforts to support the kinds of music we’d like to see more of at the MIM, I went ahead and bought us a couple of tickets. The unfamiliar songs were reminiscent of pieces we’ve heard from India, Bollywood specifically, but as avenues into Afghan music are pretty much non-existent in America, aside from specifically tracking them down on the internet, neither Caroline nor I had any real familiarity with the music from Afghanistan.

The photos in the background behind the artists show Ahmad Zahir, the Elvis Presley of Afghanistan; the group performed a couple of his most loved songs. In the rows behind us sat people that felt talking would make a good accompaniment to what we were listening to coming from the stage. Sadly, we didn’t share their enthusiasm for narration and moved away from our ideal seats to the side. Two more songs into the evening’s entertainment and we had to bow out. Well at least we’d been able to mostly enjoy an hour of the concert but to the people sitting in the 5th row who couldn’t silence yourselves, you owe us the $98 we paid to be present.

[This concert was organized by American Voices, a non-profit dedicated to “enrich the lives of people of all ages and ethnic backgrounds through cross-cultural and educational engagement.” I hope that there will be continued collaboration between American Voices and the MIM, resulting in more concerts like this one. Caroline]

Ayocotes

Ayocote beans

Never met a bean I didn’t like and a couple of months ago when we were in Mexico we stumbled upon a colorful basket of beans we’d come to learn are called ayocotes. With just a bag of them, we were saving those for a special occasion. In the meantime, Caroline went searching for what our colorful beans were called as when we bought them, we didn’t know they were ayocotes. Having found a supplier, we bought two pounds of them and this is our first foray into discovering whatever promise they might hold. While we thought corona beans swole after soaking, these ayocotes are approaching the size of key limes. After cooking, they are damn near as big as golf balls.

Just as I opened this post extolling my love of beans, these didn’t disappoint. If I didn’t still have over 20 pounds of various beans in our pantry, I’d order up another 5 pounds of these. My FOMO for rainbow ayocotes is running strong as I try to convince myself they’ll be there when we want them again.

Squeezing Everything Out of Sunday

Wake, shower, pack, eat breakfast (including blue corn pancakes), and get moving down the road. If we timed things correctly, we’d arrive at the El Malpais National Monument visitor center just as they were opening at 9:00. This sounds a bit rushed, and maybe it was a little, but we were moving further away from Arizona on the day we’d be heading home.

Caroline had finished the junior ranger booklet last night so we could pass through Grants, New Mexico, on the north side of the park, eliminating the need to double back later in the day to return it. Sworn in once more, this probably brings her close to 1,000 such badges she earned over the years.

These are the sandstone cliffs we were seeing in the distance yesterday while hiking on the cinder cone over at the El Calderon trail, it turns out that these are technically not a part of the park here at El Malpais. I suppose when one considers that El Malpais translates from Spanish to the bad country or badlands, it makes sense as the fossilized lava fields that make up the majority of the national monument are jagged, sharp, treacherous, and simply not very hospitable.

Just how angry that environment of nearly raw lava is will be experienced firsthand as we venture out on the Acoma-Zuni Trail. Prior to our arrival, we’ve read multiple times about the importance while hiking this 8-mile trail to always keep sight of the next cairn that will direct us through the maze that awaits us. Water, sunscreen, and a couple of snacks are in the bag, and we are ready to tackle what we can, which, by the way, is not the entirety as we are not fooling ourselves that we can hike 8 miles across and then turn around and hike back.

It’s called the common collared lizard, but, come on, with a blue-green body, yellow head, and yellow speckles down its back, I’d say this is anything but common. Also uncommon, it sat there making eye contact as I slowly approached to take its photo. I did not use a telephoto lens; I just walked up, pushed my camera closer, and snapped off a few shots.

Somewhere nearby, another hiker, a solo woman hiker, went by in a bit of a blur, she was on a mission. That mission has to do with the Continental Divide Trail that slices through here, using the Acoma-Zuni Trail. Her direction suggests she was on a southerly trek, which would also imply that this is not a thru-hike but working on another segment of a multi-year hike, likely the last bit of the 3,100-mile trail. A badass in the badlands.

At 59 years old, you might think I’ve learned a lesson or two about expectation, but every time we venture out on a new trail, I’m of the opinion that this one will be somehow easier than those we’ve traveled before. What happens is that reality intrudes on my fantasy, and I learn that new challenges are being presented. Steep-sloping rocks were not part of what was in my imagination, nor were chasms opened up by the ancient lava. The advice I’d read that hikers on this trail would benefit from hiking poles and gloves should have been heeded, but know-it-all John isn’t comfortable with being weighed down with unnecessary things like poles, an extra lens, water, food, or any of that other junk, it’s just me and my camera. So how is it that I’ve not died of exposure, dehydration, or starvation out in these environments? I have a wife who doesn’t see the world quite the same way I do and drags all that stuff and more along with us on her back, well, everything but the hiking poles that we are reconsidering the need for.

Thorns and beautiful flowers were the least of our worries out here. Come to think about it, I don’t think Caroline really had any worries at all.

It was me who had worries, fears, and anxiety as things grew steeper, chasms became deeper, and the angles sharper. All this, and we weren’t even 2,000 feet across the 7 miles of fossilized lave that was still ahead of us. Sadly, it was paralyzing enough that I had to turn back, and obviously, Caroline would be doing the same. Just as I run into debilitating emotions that stop me from getting further at times, one of my greater disappointments is that it also stymies Caroline’s opportunity to see more. Sure, she does her best to assure me that at least we were able to see and experience the things we’d never have already seen had we stayed at home, but this is still small consolation for the parts of the journey denied her.

So, with the Acoma-Zuni Trail now behind us, we are on to the next part of the day’s activities as we continue south.

We pulled into the parking lot at La Ventana Natural Arch and met another person hiking the CDT (Continental Divide Trail). A Lithuanian, though he calls Poland home, he’s on a 6-month visa in order to have enough time to complete the entirety of the hike from Mexico to Canada. Tom is his name, and he’d just descended that area in front of us, probably to the left. On a previous visit to the United States, he completed the Pacific Crest Trail. We left Tom with an ice-cold refill of one of his water bottles before taking off for our short walk to view the arch

There’s a massive arch in the center of this image, though it’s not exactly easy to see. I even went beyond the barrier to scramble up the well-used unofficial path of those who break the rules trying to get a better photo, only to learn that there isn’t a better photo to be had from here. Maybe at different times of the day, the light hits things just right so that the scale of things can be appreciated better, but today at mid-day, it just wasn’t happening.

We are heading up there somewhere next.

Just below this point, we parked the car near some picnic tables and walked through a lot of sand up here on the Narrow Rim Trail, that’s a 7.3-mile out-and-back hike.

In no time, we’re atop the cliff and walking in wow.

Cairns identify the way when the trail becomes difficult to see.

How it is that we are the only ones up here is astonishing as although the trail is considered moderate in difficulty, these old people think it’s pretty easy and seriously pretty on the eyes. As a matter of fact, we are bowled over and maybe a little bit disappointed that we didn’t head directly to this part of the park because we are well aware that we’ll not be able to make it to the overlook of the arch due to the time constraints that now exist if we want to get home before 10:00 pm. We won’t turn into pumpkins or stones should we not get home prior to that, but driving at night comes with growing uncertainty the older I get, or maybe I’m no longer able to deal with fatigue the same way as I could 20 years ago.

A little more than a mile into the hike we start discussing if we’ve gone far enough. We agree we have, but it’s so incredibly, perfectly beautiful out here that we’ll just keep on a short bit more, just to the next corner to check out the view, and then we’ll reconsider.

This keeps on like that until we’ve hiked at least 2 miles up the Narrows Rim for this look facing northwest behind us. It cannot be overstated how we are walking in the profound, crushed by the gravity of what is being offered us up here all alone. How can it be possible that we are experiencing this without a thousand others walking with us, confirming to one another that we are the fortunate people of the earth, unable to comprehend why it should be us? With eyes saturated, we agree that this is really as good a spot as any to turn around. Sure, we know we are only about 1.5 miles from the overlook that would offer an overhead view of La Ventana Arch, but if we went that far, what would we have to come back to?

Yesterday, I didn’t think I had anything else to say about lichen, and then I somehow found something, but today, I’m not even going to try other than to ask, isn’t it magnificent?

People may extinct themselves, but as the saying goes, life finds a way, as evidenced by a tree growing out of rock. If you know me, you might be asking, “Hey John, did you just quote Jurrasic Park?” Just remember that I was once young and watched the same pop pap that all of us take in, and as I’ve explained before, I had to stop as those things not only become ingrained in my memories, they become poisons that take a greater place in my head where that damned theme song to Gilligans Island or Arnold telling us, “I’ll be back,” continue to live.

While the Acoma-Zuni trail is further north of here, this is essentially what we were supposed to be hiking upon. It all looks so innocuous from a few hundred feet above, but I swear that down there, I had the feeling that those rocks were the jaws of some t-rex bent on consuming me. I should give this writing exercise a break about right now as once I start drifting into movie references I have a hard time pulling myself back from that ledge.

About to reencounter the flat earth, we’ve already decided to stick around one of the picnic tables to enjoy our lunch right here instead of searching for something hot that would just make us later getting home, seeing that it would have us sitting down for the meal because I prefer not to eat from styrofoam while moving down the road.

This was the smart thing to do as otherwise we’d have brought all this food just to take it home. I now know that I’m a fan of bologna and hardboiled egg sandwiches on multi-grain bread; the only thing missing was potato chips sitting atop the egg slices. Add an apple, some popcorn, and a couple of cashews, and this made for the best lunch we’d ever had on this particular Sunday in May during 2022. If we could do it all over again, we’d rewind the tape and not change a thing.

I thought we were heading home, but the short Lava Falls Trail held enough attraction for Caroline that we turned down the short dirt road for the drive to the trailhead.

The trail is a short 1-mile affair rated as easy, but that doesn’t take into consideration that hikers have to step over what amounts to chasms. I believe something goes haywire in my brain when out in nature, as I’d swear this crack in the earth appeared much larger in person than what I see in my photograph. Maybe I should blame Herr Nietzsche for planting those thoughts regarding the staring into ravines (or something to that effect) for my looking for my inner lusus naturae somewhere down there in the darkened bowels. Would Freud suggest that my fear is of the below and going down while ascending and going higher is my preferred space? Ah yes, thanks to my mother who abandoned me as a child, I’m afraid of what represents her vagina, but on the other hand, I’m afraid of heights; do they represent the large phallus of the father? Good thing I’m no Freudian scholar or any other scholar for that matter, as I’m fairly certain, I’d be in the first order of scatological demon-freaks plumbing the genital metaphors due to my potty mind that on occasion reveals my aged childish imagination.

Yesterday on the El Calderon trail, we learned about why there were black and red cinders in different areas; they stem from different volcanic eruptions. There are also obvious reasons why lava can have color variations, such as we saw there on the trail and here at Lava Falls; the black lava has more magnesium, while the red contains more iron. I thought this was a great example of two flows that sit right next to each other and yet are chemically quite different.

Following the path of the cairns is the advice proffered, but I’ve run out of faith and chosen our return to the safety of anywhere else instead of finishing our loop trail. Maybe by writing about hiking poles once again, I’ll draw closer to finding the religion of using these crutches. With that in mind, I did a quick search for the pros and cons of hiking with poles; steadying yourself in precarious balancing situations is the number one pro, while having your hands free for quick photos is the first con I’m noting.

If you were to glance over our photos of traveling in Europe, you might arrive at the conclusion that we are church snobs. Far from it, we love all churches but especially Catholic ones, as they are mostly open. Here in Quemado, New Mexico, at the intersection of Nothing and Vast Openness, we encountered the Sacred Heart Church. It’s a small affair, and it being Sunday, it just had to be open.

Built during the 1930s, around the time that Quemado was referred to as the Rodeo Center of New Mexico, this church is a pretty good reflection of the building materials available in the area. Historical information about this area is sparse, though a book titled A History of Highway 60 and the Railroad Towns on the Belen, New Mexico Cutoff by Dixie Boyle seems to have the most data about the area in general that I could find.

Thirty-five miles later, we are back in Arizona with only 236 miles (380km) until we reach home.

We jumped back in time at the Arizona State Line, gaining time and allowing us to live the 16th hour of the day all over again. It’s as though we see the future from the past that was already lived once but is now happening in a new space. Looks good from here.

We’d simply turned around to look into the distance of where we’d come from and were curious if we were, in fact, gleaning two event horizons separated by the quanta of perception as we traveled through the wormhole called Daylight Savings Time. What is found behind is not so ahead, which implies we are moving between dimensions, right?

As if the intra-time portal opened between the geographic regions of Arizona and New Mexico wasn’t enough, we stumbled into a full eclipse of the moon. Not just any eclipse either, as you can easily see, this is a Blood Moon that prophecy suggests will guide Caroline and me into a blissful future paved with great happiness.