Karen Mae Kurchoff RIP

Karen Goff and John Wise at a Great Lake in the Eastern United States

This is my mother, Karen Mae Kurchoff. She was a difficult person with questionable decision-making processes, but she was still my mom, and now I will only be able to look back at our lives because hers has passed. In October, she experienced a stroke that affected her left side to an extent that, without her concerted effort, would leave her paralyzed; she chose paralysis. A couple of weeks ago, she made another poor choice when she stopped eating, followed by the stopping of drinking any fluids four days ago. So tonight, with little struggle and no fanfare, she quietly and by herself, through the haze of a morphine-induced stupor, took the exit ramp.

Should my short note of memorializing my mother seem distant, she effectively chose suicide by self-neglect instead of taking the more difficult path. That is how she lived most of her life. I cannot know what ultimately made her the person she was, but I know she had plenty of blame for nearly all that were a close part of her life. I can’t say I really ever knew her to be genuinely happy, as there was always an undercurrent of frustration and wanting things to be better because good enough was never enough.

While my mom was affable and could endear almost anyone to her loud Buffalonian screech, she often honestly tried to be a good person for others she respected. For those she was supposed to love, there was conflict and tension. I will wonder in the years to come what was it in childhood that impacted her ultimate happiness. Why, at 14 years old in 1962, would she get pregnant and then, six years later, abandon her children? Why did she take the easy road and endure the pain and suffering of abusive husbands? Why didn’t she fight to live to a ripe old age?

In the end, she would never explain a thing, though when my sisters and I asked her a week ago why she chose the path she was most recently on, she said, “Because it’s easy.”

Is it really so easy to just go die?

Sahba Motallebi with Naghmeh Farahmand

Sahba Motallebi with Naghmeh Farahmand at the Musical Instrument Museum in Phoenix, Arizona

Another amazing performance at the Musical Instrument Museum, tonight’s musicians were Sahba Motallebi and Naghmeh Farahmand. Sahba is considered one the best Tar players and although she now lives in Los Angeles she was originally from Sari, Iran where she learned and perfected her craft. My daughter Jessica who arrived yesterday afternoon was able to join us with me even able to find her a seat in our row. Like all concerts at the MIM with a focus on world music, this was only attended by maybe 180 visitors (in a 299 seat venue). My lament about attendance is that without enough support from our Phoenix and Scottsdale communities we will not be so fortunate in the future to catch these amazing performances that offer us such an intimate peek into other cultures.

On The Phone – NOT!

Caroline Wise at the Wagon Yard Saloon in Phoenix, Arizona

Saturday and Sunday mornings we go for breakfast at the Wagon Yard Saloon. Most times we sit at our favorite table, but it was taken, so was our second favorite table. So we wandered around to the side of the saloon we’d never visited….where the pool tables live and this old defunct payphone. This relic has seen better days just as many of us in this joint have too. At the bar this morning are the usuals having their mix of bloody marys, beers, rum, and cokes for the shameless and then there’s Caroline and me who are here because our previous “old favorite” disappointed us once too many times. We’d seen the price posted on the giant sign for this landmark telling us of breakfast for a few bucks. Sure enough, it’s a reasonable meal and the two of us get out of here for under $12, not including tip. We no longer have to put our orders in as the staff knows we’ll get the same thing as always. Anyway, out back by the pool tables, it felt like we were in a different restaurant, but it was this old coin-operated payphone with the US West logo still on it that captured our nostalgia. I kind of wish this phone worked so I could call myself and leave a voicemail and wait for that voice to come along and remind me to deposit the next quarter or my call will be ended.

Old Friends New Worlds – TimefireVR

Adriana demoing some updates in Hypatia by TimefireVR LLC

Had some visitors by the offices of TimefireVR today, former staffers Adriana and Kyle. I had recently run into Adriana while I was out shopping and said hello after not seeing her for eight months since we experienced a total layoff of staff back in July. Slowly, the company was restaffed and, for a while, was in other people’s hands, but in January, it found its way back to the original shareholders.

Kyle visiting Hypatia at TimefireVR LLC

Adriana’s other half is Kyle, who also worked for us last year and was one of the casualties. Behind him, also in VR, is Jason, who was kept on through all the chaos, and Stephanie, on the left, recently came back on for some contract art and is staying with us part-time. It was great seeing these two, but at the same time, it’s still rough as the emotional toll of last summer has lingering effects.

Piston Honda MKIII

Piston Honda MKIII from Industrial Music Electronics

Well, it has been three weeks since I first got this Eurorack module that will be known as the Piston Honda MKIII. Scott Jaeger the founder of Industrial Music Electronics is its inventor and mad scientist that is currently programming this beast. Tonight I’m testing note tracking by voltage, a built-in tuner, and then I thought to self-patch this thing in every way I could think of. So far today I’ve installed four firmware updates bringing the total to 40 different versions. My “job” is to test for bugs but Scott also gets an inordinate amount of feedback on the interface and how the user might be confused by particular modes or methods that were initially experimented with. Throughout this process, I’m watching the evolution of a brilliant yet extremely rough module come into a smooth maturity that is creeping ever closer to perfection. Trivia; today was the day that Scott introduced oscillator tone variations called Orthodox, Degenerate, Problematic, and Pathological.

Facebook

Facebook

I read a lot of negative stuff and listen to far more about how bad Facebook is. It may have its flaws and experience growing pains that verge into areas of behavior that could be questionable, but I hope these blemishes are repairable. Social media is evolving and is the first platform of its kind to connect so many people in the largest gathering ever. To me, it’s a kind of Woodstock, and the information fills in for the bands. Earlier today, I wrote the following on someone else’s post:

“What makes Facebook valuable to me is the diversity of people who have congregated in a single location; it is up to the individual to choose who to hang out with and what qualities of people meet their needs. Is this really so different than the real world?

For example, I go to a nightclub where 300 potential friends are also at. Statistically, some of those people are going to jail; others will go home to abuse a spouse; there are radicals to the left and right; some have crap diets, limited intelligence, or are poor dancers. I DON’T friend them all. I have to filter them, and if it’s the only club in town, then I can either bitch about what I have, move to the village that doesn’t have a club, or open my own.

Facebook is what we make of it. I’ve not friended 1.5 billion members; it’s only 180 people. Then I rub shoulders with maybe 500 others in places like Synth and Eurorack forums on Facebook. Occasionally, I bump into someone, and I think, “Yeah, this person might be interesting,” and so I join a conversation.”

Why does this have to be so difficult and rife with drama? Could it be because we are missing something in our own lives and need to blame anything else instead of taking responsibility for our own decisions to eat all the junk food, be it social or edible, that is within our grasp?