The Need To Get Out

Coffee at Los Hermanos Mexican Restaurant in Superior, Arizona

This morning, I’m out on the road for a solo trip southeast, with my first stop happening in the old mining town of Superior, Arizona. Driving down Main Street I was surprised to see that, after years of threatening to reopen, the Historic Hotel Magma is once again in business. Caroline and I first learned of the town and the hotel from the Oliver Stone film titled U-Turn, featuring (among others) Joaquin Phoenix, which was our introduction to this actor. I stopped in at the Los Hermanos Mexican Restaurant for some coffee and to take these notes. From here, I’m going south through Ray, Kearny, and Winkleman before turning northeast to circle up through Christmas and then Globe, Miami, and Top-of-the-World, which will lead me into Superior once more today before going home.

Picketpost Mountain in Superior, Arizona

While the roads have been taken before, and this could be considered an indulgence of nostalgia, I have little choice if I want to wander into nature for a day trip. After 24 years in the Desert Southwest, Caroline and I have traversed almost every paved road and many a dirt road throughout this region. My goal is more to stop in cafes to have a cup of coffee and simply get away from my routine in Phoenix. Maybe along the way, I’ll find something to eat or, as I have my camera with me, a landscape might encourage me to capture an image I’ve not seen before.

I can’t remember visiting Ray before, but if I did, it is mostly or totally gone. Seems like a mountain’s worth of earth was moved from where it originally was to another location as the mine out this way is still active. I had to pull over nearly a dozen times in order to maintain the pace that allowed everyone else traveling the same road to pass me. The saguaros look over the road just as they have for decades, but I don’t recognize one of them. They stand there silently, never moving, not even swaying in the wind, just waiting and bearing witness to our coming and going. A dead javelina was proof of its failure to cross the road, and as not a chicken was seen, I can only surmise they, on the other hand, were successful in their attempts.

Here in Kearny, it’s nearly as quiet as the javelina was still. I’m on the main thoroughfare that is considered the business district, but that’s playing fast and loose with semantics. Taking a break, sitting next to the road in the shade at a rusty old picnic table, it’s striking how much I take my luxury for granted. I’m 101 miles from home, and if I lived here, I might as well have been at the opposite end of the universe. The economy of Kearny is obviously hanging on by a thread. There’s a tiny grocery store behind the gas station on my left; Cosmic Coffee is long shuttered. There’s a burger joint and pizza place that is still operating and hopefully will continue to do so, as there’s really nothing else left.

What there are are mountains all around me, and on those brown cliffs and peaks are cacti. At night, I’d imagine one might hear the occasional truck heading down the road or a coyote in the distance, but that would be about it. On moonless nights, the Milky Way must shine like the beacon it is to those who are so lucky to have dark skies.

There’s a surprising amount of foot traffic here near the grocery store. One group of people told me it was “Asian Day” at the deli counter, so they picked up lunch and were off for a picnic. A UPS truck passed by as a reminder that the global market is just a mouse click away, and while it might take an extra day to reach Kearny, Himalayan salt, expensive German cutlery, Adidas sweatpants, and a new Fitbit would reach me exactly as it would over in Phoenix.

Hayden, Arizona

Despair follows the road south. The economy along the way is fucked, and with the mines being the major employer, the strikers every so many miles suggest things are even worse than my vulgar description for those trying to hold on to the hope of having a job. We first passed through this part of Arizona 17 years ago, and the decay obviously runs away unabated as I follow a path I’ve traveled on more since that first occasion.

Giorsetti's Superior Grocery in Winkelman, Arizona

I’m getting lunch at Maria’s Mexican Restaurant, and even if I wanted something else, there are no other choices down here. I drove by Giorsetti’s General Store and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was still open. Not so lucky were the dead javelinas as I spotted two more adults and two juveniles, though none of them were close enough to one another to suggest they were related, well, besides their unfortunate circumstances. Also found dead on the road was a large bloated deer with an obviously broken neck, a not-so-smelly skunk, and some unidentifiable fur patches that were nearly fully merged with the pavement.

So here I am, full of carne asada with beans, at the end of Highway 177, about to head northeast on Highway 77, which will lead me past Christmas. Earlier, I wrote that I was passing through that town, but now I see that the half-dozen or so homes up the mountain that are in Christmas are, in fact, well up a dirt road I won’t be traveling on today. In my head, I’m flipping the coin of taking the road less traveled with a long drive home or returning the way I came, but know that I must take the quieter path.

Gila River at the Christmas Recreation Site in Winkelman, Arizona

My heart is on its way home, though my desire to remain in roaming mode is still wanting to rule the day. A stop along the Gila River and a pitstop in Globe were all that I was going to get in before pulling into North Scottsdale to pick up Caroline.

Neighbor

Neighbor's apartment in Phoenix, Arizona

She was cantankerous, vulgar, angry, fearful, paranoid, and worst of all she was mean to her mother who suffers from Alzheimer’s. Her name isn’t important. I tried to avoid her when she was coming and going as it wasn’t beyond her to show you her ass that was barely covered anyway, but when that short dress was thrown up to expose her voluminous backside, allowing the viewer to gather a good look, she would also yell at you to ensure she had your attention. Sometimes she went through the motions of pretending to call the police and other times she did call them to vent her spleen that some kind of transgression against her dignity was being committed.

Numerous times the maintenance guys were summoned to her place as it seemed that something was always broken; now that I’ve been inside her now-vacant apartment I see why things were likely malfunctioning. She was the human embodiment of malfunction. Stepping into the explosion that had been a home for two old ladies was akin to walking into someone else’s insanity. This is one of those moments where no amount of photography can convey the mayhem.

Neighbor's apartment in Phoenix, Arizona

Half a dozen cats and nearly twice that number of small dogs were constant companions. Some years ago the mother would take the dogs out when there were just a few of them, but her daughter became mistrustful of the neighbors who would take the time to talk with the sweet old lady who would check her mail 10 times a day wearing a housecoat and at least a couple of pairs of socks. We all knew she was slipping into dementia but she always seemed happy to meet you for the first time and find it surprising that you knew her name and that she once lived in Ohio. For the past few years, mom would only be seen going to and from the car and had become progressively more withdrawn.

This weekend they had mostly finished moving out, leaving behind a shell of an apartment sodden with animal urine and feces – both animal and human, as there were two large green bags in the bathtub filled with adult diapers. At least the human poop was in diapers and bagged up while dog and cat shit is scattered throughout the place. Entering this place I was more intrigued by the sight and foul aroma than the thought of what parasites and bed bugs might be crawling through the ooze and so with the front door wide open I decided to take a non-guided tour into the horror of my own disbelief that fellow humans could live such an existence.

I have to wonder why the animals weren’t removed by some authority looking out for the welfare of animals. Writ larger than that is my curiosity boggling my mind why the mother wasn’t removed and the daughter brought up on elder abuse charges. I suppose that living like turds in a litter box is a better way to keep people than for the state to attempt to care about the welfare of some people who obviously could not care for themselves.

There was a side of me crawling out of my inner 14-year-old that wanted to gloat that the evil persona of the daughter had finally been forced to move even though it portended possibly worse conditions for the mom and then there’s the 56-year side of me that is rattled by society’s neglect of the mentally disturbed. On their last day at our complex, the daughter sounded perfectly humane and sympathetic as she told me that they were moving out and that she wanted to say bye. How could I not feel empathy for their plight and wish them all the best?

Nourishment

Mangalitsa pig ears and tails

I’d like to make Frankfurt Green Sauce (Grüne Soße), but I cannot find the following fresh herbs for sale in America: salad burnet, sorrel, chervil, cress, and borage. While fresh Wagyu beef can be purchased across Japan, you’ll have to order it frozen online here in the States. Back in 2011, Caroline and I enjoyed a small wheel of Cendré de Lune or Ashes of the Moon cheese (a variety of brie) in Canada, and while it was one of the most magnificent cheeses we’ve ever experienced, it’s not allowed to be sold in the U.S. Visit Hungary and indulge your palate on some Mangalitsa pork, then ask your local grocery store to get some for you. Need some goose fat? You’ll be ordering that from France or the United Kingdom because you won’t find it on these shores. Maybe your recipe calls for some Crème Fraîche or Quark? I hope you have a local German store else you’ll likely be purchasing online from a company like the Vermont Creamery, which is one of the very few companies I can find in America that makes these products.

I used to think that America was the place where everything was possible and readily available, where our future was as big as the country is wide. Now, I look at Groningen, Utrecht, and Amsterdam in the Netherlands and how they are re-engineering their cities to be more accommodating to bicycles while cars are pushed to the edges of town. In Germany, the first bicycle highway is under construction, with ten cities being connected via a 100-kilometer (62-mile) stretch of road far away from cars. It goes without saying that the rail systems in Europe, Japan, and even China all make our aging rail infrastructure look like we haven’t progressed in 50 years. Oh yeah, that’s because we haven’t.

We have some amazing food in America, but it’s largely relegated to a dozen major metropolitan areas where restaurants that are not franchises can still exist if you are willing to pay for quality. I suppose it’s the same for nature where our bigger cities have incredible parks, but we can’t afford much more than a few trees, a small playground, a dog run, and if you are lucky, some lights for an evening stroll.

Last month, I wanted to sample some fountain pens before purchasing a new one. One might think that in the fifth-largest city in America, I’d find one pen shop, nope. While in the Frankfurt airport earlier this year, I stopped in the Montblanc pen shop but realized I wasn’t in the mood to drop $700 to $1500 on a new fountain pen. In the relatively small town of Weimar, Germany, with a population of 65,542, I had two shops to choose from (I considered various pens and ultimately bought one).

Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be as we crash into the cultural phenomenon of diminished attention spans, accelerated time, and competition with the infinity of digital media that demands everything is done fast. Franco “Bifo” Berardi is likely right in his postulation that we have forsaken our ability to allow our senses to elaborate on what it means to indulge in quality and meaning. Slowing down must surely be a sign of mental illness because who has the time to nourish their soul? The funny thing is, it is the wealthy who still hold fast to the essence of luxury, where to enjoy something means taking one’s time to savor the indulgence.

Caroline and I are well aware of our obsession with the speed of information and the rapidity that which knowledge can flow into our lives, and yet we are also very alert to the fact that our senses are only truly satisfied when we are lingering on a quiet beach on the Oregon coast, rafting through a deep canyon in Croatia, touching the inner silk lining of a bagworm cottage, or tasting something as uncommon as Szechuan duck tongue. Reading a book, exploring a modular Eurorack synthesizer, or spinning yarn with a drop spindle are also ways we slow down. In this sense, we are able to explore the luxury experienced by the fantastically wealthy who can afford to give their time over to their passions.

Photo: Mangalitsa pig ears and tails being used to make pork broth.

Reset to Normal

Braverman Family

That was quite the month when all of my attention turned to my health, and I do mean all of my attention. There was no room for anything else but a keen focus on losing weight, controlling my diet, and tight monitoring of my diabetes. I put a hold on reading, the synthesizer, writing, and socializing as all I could see was imperative to deal with things related to my body before I lost that opportunity. That was until today.

Our day started with a visit with our friends Itay and Rotem, who just moved back from California after a two-year visit to the frenetic chaos of Los Angeles. It was two years ago back in August 2017, when they first invited Caroline and me to share some shakshuka shortly after they were married and just days before they moved to L.A. A year after they drove out west, we visited them in their tiny apartment, where once again, we joined them for more shakshuka (click here for that blog entry and remember to scroll down to the photo). And now here we are once again in Arizona in the new place Itay, Rotem, and little Liam are calling home, welcoming us to what is now a tradition, a meal of shakshuka. In case you don’t know what this dish is, it is popular in the Middle East and is made of tomatoes, peppers, and poached eggs. In Italy, it is known as Uova in Purgatorio or “Eggs in Purgatory,” with the eggs representing souls and the tomato mixture they are poached in, looking like the fires of hell.

Green Chef Meal Kit

Today is also of note because I am at the 30-day mark from when I went all-in on my diet, and now I need to break out of that singular focus and bring normal back into my life. Of course, there will still be an emphasis on diet as Caroline and I try to continue looking closely at the calories we are eating at each meal. To that end, we are making an act of convenience with our recent subscription to Green Chef, which will begin this Monday.

Green Chef is a meal kit delivery service focusing on Keto, Paleo, Vegetarian, and Balanced Diets using organic ingredients. I learned to cook for a family of eight, and I’ve never really been able to adjust my perspective on how much I should cook for Caroline, so I tend to lean towards larger concoctions. Over the past month, we’ve both been tracking our calories and now realize we are good with meals that are under 500 calories, and Green Chef fits that requirement. By supplying us with kits that are measured to provide just the amount of ingredients required to make dinner for two, I’m hoping to become accustomed to handling food amounts that don’t produce a ton of leftovers.

In the month leading up to my derailment, I was on a tangent, buying a bunch of new books to fill in some gaps in my knowledge. I can now start returning to this reading list that includes A Thousand Plateaus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia by Gilles Deleuze and Felix Guattari, Capitalist Realism: Is There No Alternative? by Mark Fisher, Sex and the Failed Absolute by Žižek, Slavoj (shipping soon), After Finitude: An Essay on the Necessity of Contingency by Quentin Meillassoux, Ethics: An Essay on the Understanding of Evil by Alain Badiou but all of this was mentioned back in my blog entry about my antilibrary.

Bionic Lester MKIII from Industrial Music Electronics

On the synth side of things, I recently received the production version of Bionic Lester MKIII that I’ve been testing for Scott Jaeger of Industrial Music Electronics this summer. I’ve only made a cursory pass-over of the module that Scott modified at the last moment before going into production by adding a comb filter mode that was suggested at the 11th hour by a friend of his in Chicago while he was demoing it at Knobcon in early September. Read a great interview with Scott over at Perfect Circuit by clicking here.

Also coming up from Scott will be new test modules for Kermit that he describes as a modulation aid used primarily for LFO duties. In addition to that refresh, he’s promising an update to the Malgorithm module that acts as a bitcrusher. Ongoing work for Volkmire’s Inferno is progressing, with a promised new firmware for testing coming up soon. Scott recently demonstrated the finished Bionic Lester and a working prototype of Volkmire’s Inferno at Modular8 that you can watch by clicking here.

CV Tape Station from Xavier Gazon in Belgium

Months ago, I ordered a CV Tape Station from Xavier Gazon, but through a series of fortunate delays, I’m now receiving a greatly improved model that just cleared customs in New York after being stuck in Belgium with their customs office for nearly two weeks.

So while my reading list and need to play on the synthesizer are abundantly clear I’m at a loss of where my writing exercises will go. There’s a bit of a void in my head where ideas should be hanging out, but there doesn’t appear to be a thing in that space. Maybe a road trip is in order, as Caroline and I appear to be taking a pass on heading out over Thanksgiving this year. Without her and I traveling I might entertain the thought of heading north or northeast to somewhere like Bluff, Utah, or Cortez, Colorado.

Okay, the truth is I’d prefer Europe, but so would Caroline, so just hopping over for more of my life playing La Dolce Vita will have her confronting me with some Lucha Libre moves to wrestle that idea out of my head. One can dream.

FMD – Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

ProLon Fasting Mimicking Diet

FMD – Day 3

Middle of the hump. Today will bring me to the halfway point of this Fasting Mimicking Diet. Woke with a glucose reading of 111mg/dl, and following a 2-mile walk, it was down to 108mg/dl. Time to start the rest of my routine.

I skipped breakfast which was another L-Bar of nuts, and instead had half of it as dessert after lunch. The soup became a bit bland as it was already familiar from day 1. The kale crackers that accompanied lunch were only half-eaten, so I could have some with dinner, which was also when I finished the L-Bar. Lethargy followed me around today, and it took everything in me to get to 10,000 steps. Ketosis is barely here, with a reading between 0.5 and 1.0, but that might be wishful thinking and me squinting to see what I want to see. Before dinner, my glucose has averaged 104mg/dl for the day. My weight loss as of this morning is a meager 1.9 pounds.

I’m starting to get the idea that my diabetes and this Fasting Mimicking Diet that is heavy on carbs are producing enough glucose that my body is getting enough energy from its sugars instead of going into heavy fat-burning mode. Well, I have two more days of this, and then on Saturday, I’ll kick over hard with a push into ketosis by only eating avocado, bone broth, and maybe some green drink. I cannot almost sense a kind of obsession coming to drop weight, but little motivation to write, think, or do anything else besides being mindlessly entertained or asleep.

FMD – Day 4

This FMD day was a drift into the oblivion of low-energy boredom. Other than monitoring my vitals, I had little to no motivation at times. Mindless entertainment via YouTube with an emphasis on food videos added sparkly bits to my imagination while I drifted into dreams of eating anything except what I’m limited to. Torturing myself physically seems to require a complimentary amount of mental anguish to accompany and balance things.

My blood glucose continued its trend down, letting me end the day with an average of a mere 96mg/dl, which is down 7mg/dl from the previous three days, which all happened to average 103mg/dl. I’ve walked 24 miles during these four days and eaten only 3,370 calories. Regarding my caloric intake, it’s strange to think that I’ve certainly eaten meals where I’ve consumed more than that in a single sitting.

Offering other details of the day just wasn’t going to happen here on my blog, but then, towards the end of the day, I found a burst of inspiration that let me spend a moment exploring a few things on the synthesizer.

FMD – Day 5

Never in my wildest hopes did I ever think I could lose more than 20 pounds in less than a month, but that’s exactly what I did. It wasn’t through illness, though it was to combat diabetes that has been treated with Metformin and not a drop of insulin. I didn’t lose the weight by amputation or poverty that stopped me from being able to eat. There are no dramatic photos of the before super fat John and a now ripped version; I am far from ripped with my one-pack.

I lost these 22 pounds through sheer determination, effort, sacrifice, and a change of lifestyle. I’ve been so effective that I can see a continuation of my grueling endeavor, removing another 20 pounds before the end of the year as being within my grasp.

What’s been the motivation? On Friday the 13th, back in September, after weighing in with my doctor at 242 pounds, I was reminded of the need to take my diabetes seriously. While I thought things were “more-or-less” managed, I found out that the previous 90 days saw me falling off the boat of compliance. There was also another consideration flirting with my imagination.

I’ve often imagined that someday Caroline would be put in the situation of having to summon emergency services for her fat and bloated husband, who may or may not be dead. Her having to plead with the strapping-fit firemen to save her husband, who has to be taken downstairs with all of his blubber oozing off the sides of the stretcher. I groan and beg them not to drop me as I start spilling out of their grasp while heading down to the street.

Life is precarious enough with all of the potential pitfalls that can creep into our lives at any moment. My complicity in carrying the extra load that could contribute to heart disease, stroke, or multiple amputations due to untreated diabetes has reached the breaking point. I started fearing that if I didn’t make a better effort while I could, I might reach the point where something would happen, and trying to repair things from that debilitation would prove too difficult to surmount.

So, off with the weight seemed to be the most practical thing I could commit to. What started with simply trying to reduce and monitor my caloric intake quickly spun into results that were shocking, and I have to admit that I thought were unsustainable. Here I am, though, a month later and over 20 pounds lighter. In another couple of months, I hope that another 20 pounds of loss will bring me to 199 pounds, which, in my mind becomes manageable for a healthier future.

Stats for the week:

  • Blood Glucose average was 100.2mg/dl
  • Blood Glucose change over the week: down 7mg/dl on average
  • Weight loss per day average was 1 lb 4 oz (.57kg)
  • Total weight loss: 6.4 lbs (2.9kg)
  • Step count average: 11,121
  • Miles walked: 25 (40.2km)

FMD – Day 2

ProLon L-Drink

Day two begins with the exact same blood glucose level of 115mg/dl as I woke up yesterday. Strangely, I slept like a log and woke up shortly before my alarm still in the same position I went to sleep in. I know you might be wondering how do I know what I did during my 6.5 hours of sleep last night? Well, it’s because I sleep with a giant wedge-shaped pillow under my legs to alleviate sciatica pain, and normally, around 1:30 – 2:30, I kick it out of bed so I can sleep on my side, but not last night.

Weighing in, I’m at 225.2, down 1.6 pounds in 24 hours. Before eating half my L-Bar, Caroline and I went for a two-mile walk to get things going. At 10:00 this morning, I have a visit scheduled with my doctor as I asked for some extra visits during this period I’m trying to lose so much weight. My goal this week would be complete if I only lost three more pounds, as that would mean I’d lost 20 pounds of fat in less than 30 days.

Just before heading out to add another mile to my step count, I’m feeling great, having only eaten half my L-Bar, and I should note that I skipped yesterday’s scheduled afternoon snack of a Choco Crisp L-Bar that pared 90 calories out of my intake.

Everything looked good at the doctor’s office, except she couldn’t agree about the efficacy of fasting for a diabetic, though she couldn’t disagree with the results either. My next visit isn’t for another month when she plans on having full blood work done to see where all my levels have gone after two months of dieting, fasting, and exercising with the goal that by that date, I’ll be down between 25 and 30 pounds.

Lunch was a small packet of olives and some tomato soup that I made with extra water. It wasn’t my intent to dilute the soup, but wanted to increase the volume so I could trick myself into thinking I ate more. The other thing was that it was only 11:30 when I started preparing lunch because I was hungry. My blood glucose was 120mg/dl before lunch and 114mg/dl after. Though I slept well last night a nap crashed into me after eating.

Waking again, I just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t have a mind to participate in anything that might otherwise have interested me. After yet another walk, I passed 11,000 total steps and expected to see another 5,000 in order to ward off the carbs that were messing with my blood sugar. I was a bit bored, really, and may be preoccupied with trying to find a strategy to cheat, but I didn’t want to. Maybe it was time for a coffee?

Coffee on an empty stomach hit hard, encouraging me to exercise my jaw more than I should have.

At dinner time, I was famished, but that’s in part because I only ate half my L-Bar today, and I missed that the second pouch of olives was meant for a mid-day snack. So, by dinner time, I was missing nearly 200 calories from my limited 800-calorie meal plan for the day. The olives and butternut squash & quinoa soup were both amazing, likely made more so because of how little I’m eating. My pre-dinner glucose reading was a comfortable 83mg/dl, so I’m happy there. Time for a walk to bring me up to my goal for the day.

With 15,800 steps, I walked 7.3 miles or 11.8km, giving me 130 active minutes on my Fitbit. After dinner, glucose measures in at 79mg/dl, so I’m finishing my L-Bar with an average glucose reading for the day coming in at 106mg/dl I feel that while my carb intake is a higher percentage than I’d prefer, my sugar levels are within margins I’m comfortable with. Onward to day 3.