A Different Shade of Blue

Blue Sky over Phoenix, Arizona

Last year the first signs of fall occurred on October 1st with yellow and orange leaves strewn about. This year fall arrives with a deeper blue sky to replace the scorching summer canopy which appears bleached and oppressive from mid-June through most of September. According to the 10-day forecast, we still have another 9 or 10 days of 100+ degree temperatures but by mid-October, we should finally be able to turn off our air-conditioner until next May. Here in the Desert Southwest of Phoenix, Arizona, we are also experiencing a brief second spring where after a summer of dormancy plants leap back to life with a splash of color and an explosion of bees.

Bumblebees too are in abundance this year, more than we’ve seen in previous years. We are keeping our eyes open for praying mantis as we saw one outside our door a couple of days ago which is an uncommon sight. With these days where our mornings are finally dipping down to the pleasant low-70s (20-24c) the songbirds make their return from wherever it was they were hiding out when daytime temps pressed into 115 degrees (46c). No sign of the mockingbirds yet, but our eyes are open wide looking for their telltale jumping from their perch and their car-alarm sounds.

For the next 8 months, we’ll be reminded time and again why living here in Arizona can be so terrific as the blue of the sky featured in today’s photo will be ever-present. Come January in the dead of winter we’ll be “shivering” on 70 degrees (20c) days with mornings that can dip as lows as 40 degrees (5c). The funny thing is that while the majority of the year is absolutely pleasant, it is the 4 months of summer that just passed that defines the environment of living here and that definition isn’t exactly nice.

Of course, the blue skies tell you nothing of the color of attitudes or the climate of the intellect that spread from the shores of the Pacific coast to the Eastern seaboard, down to the Gulf of Mexico, and up to the Canadian border. If you have read my blog posts before you can’t be blamed for expecting a lament about the poor cultural weather extremes we are experiencing lately and I can’t underplay how much impact they have on me, it’s like being on the most beautiful mountain top except it’s -40 degrees with winds whipping by at 100mph, the woods are burning, and the rumble of a slow approaching meteor bears down from above.

So as I stare into the blue horizon above looking for a silver lining, I must rely on future travels, adventures, and thoughts where I’ll try to discover what all of these patterns I spend so much time collecting might ultimately mean. I know that there’s something hidden in the obvious that I’m failing to see, and so I just keep on taking notes and firing off these missives as I search for what it is I think I have to say. Or, maybe I already know the story I want to tell, I just don’t know quite how yet? Well, you can bet I’m working on it, heck I even have a working title.

Cascading Existentialism

Butterbrot on German Butterbrot Day

Earlier this month, I wrote a blog entry insisting it was not about existentialism, and it wasn’t, but today, maybe this one will be just about that, and maybe it won’t. I’m bored. From out of this moment in boredom (which I think I’ve alluded to being impervious to on many other occasions during these missives) I reluctantly concede that I’m experiencing the uncertainty of what to do. For six months, one week, and four days since our pandemic sequestering, I’ve been pretty good about remaining engaged or at least distracted. Today, I’m overly aware that I don’t feel like doing anything that could be done while here at home, nor do I want to venture out to find distraction there.

Yesterday, my awareness of not enjoying our place became writ large across my happiness as with Caroline at work. I was liberated to do as I please, but I found myself lost. While this past month saw us venturing out to break the long chain of self-isolation, I’m not exactly comfortable among those people who cavalierly toss reasonable health practices away in order to prove some nebulous point about raw belligerent power and a kind of masculinity arising out of our obsession with dystopian fatalism. So, though I’d like to embark on a new journey into putting these past six months behind me and exploring some new routines, I’m reluctant to be among the masses who are acting purely in their own selfish interests as opposed to empathizing with the well-being of the American community at large.

For 17 years, Caroline and I have comfortably lived in a single room, a single large open space in the form of a loft. We cherish our time together when we can be at home together, which up until March this year felt rare. If we weren’t traveling on a weekend, Caroline might be at a guild meeting or a fiber workshop. During the week, I might be at one of a few dozen locations writing, people-watching, eating, walking, or otherwise spending time away from home. When we got home, there were things to do that we’d been away from all day. When self-isolation began, our dreams of spending more time together came true. In the back of our minds, we already knew from previous experience in the late 1980s that mixing work and living in one small space is not the best idea, but a global pandemic that was forcing everyone to stop in place gave impetus to embrace the quarantine and go with the flow. So, staying at home became an extended road trip; it was camping in place and a golden opportunity to indulge our desires to spend more time together.

Now, don’t think this is heading to a lament of over-exposure between Caroline and me, as that’s the farthest thing from my truth, but after six months, our hamster wheel is closing in. I also know that this is temporary, and maybe as soon as tomorrow, my brain will return to celebrating this opportunity, but right now, I’m at a loss and uninspired. Of course, there’s also the overwhelming nonsense of the game of intruding politics that seems to aim at dominating a large part of people’s lives who pay attention to current events. This is pure unadulterated gaslighting that my own stupid compulsion to witness the trainwreck keeps bringing me back to, so too many days arrive with no small amount of dread. The point here is that I have to tiptoe around online activities as I risk catching a hint of the “Outrage du jour” from a media that is desperate to hook me into a device to nail my attention for the sake of impressions and ad dollars. So maybe if I focus on writing, I can escape what I don’t want to see and instead bring my mind into compliance with an imagination that will whisk me away from boredom.

Instead, I go around in circles searching for a muse to guide me while not really looking for that inspiration but telling myself the bologna that I really want to escape this entropy. I know I’ll have a butterbrot because today is German Butterbrot Day, where the world joins in to celebrate this uniquely Teutonic pleasure of greasing your bread with a smear of butter and calling it dinner. Well, that didn’t get it; I’m not any more motivated than before besides wanting a second go-round of yummy rye bread with butter. Yeah, eating is a good distraction; maybe I need to find where on Earth people are celebrating Donut Day today.

But I called this blog entry Cascading Existentialism and not Eating To Pacify Moodiness, so just what is it that feels so out of control? The polarized American people, our politics, healthcare, education, and our concern about the environment are the major bones of contention, but racism, intolerance, poverty, and violence play large roles too. I know I cannot change even a small part of the 330 million of us who live in the United States. I cannot influence our political parties or the media that sensationalizes everything it features: healthcare is a $3.6 trillion industry that has no regard for those it serves, education panders to the lowest common denominator, guaranteeing fodder for prisons, low-pay jobs, and an absent electorate, while we flaunt international convention about safeguarding air and water quality for the sake of profits. Racism is tolerated, while intolerance of religions, sexual orientation, cultural background, and general diversity from the status quo is promulgated as anti-American. Poverty is a consequence of all of this, with violence the natural outcome of people without an ability to surmount the structural bias against those a society would like to keep outside the gate.

Hey John, how does any of that affect your day-to-day existence? Awareness is the fodder of the imagination, and if you are an artist, you should look upon the subject you intend to capture in images, or you should acquaint yourself with the various sounds and aural structures of music should you aspire to be a musician. Yet I am a human desiring to be just that, and so the condition of our society screams at me to be recognized as though I might find an inkling of how to depict a proper reflection or maybe an antidote to the wanton mayhem that institutional stupidity is wreaking upon us. Well, that’s a pretty large burden you are trying to shoulder. But I know there is no way for me to bear the gravity of such outrage, so I try in little ways to exorcise the demons of awareness through the cathartic exercise of writing, learning, exploring, and eating. It must be time for another butterbrot.

In Public

King Coffee

One-hundred ninety-seven days since I last took up a seat here at King Coffee and sat in public while in Phoenix. Sure, we recently ventured out of the city, but our locations were chosen for the lack of population density to minimize coming into contact with others. It was strange as my first hour being back was spent among many a familiar face curious as to how I’d been. After socializing more than I have in six months, I’m here at my computer drawing a blank as though talking with others drained my head.

Where is my focus? Maybe it’s lost in the background music I’m no longer accustomed to listening to. Is it the people-watching that I’ve grown rusty with? When I go to the store, I don’t really want to see anyone, and what I do look for are people without masks so I can move out of their way. I’d like to consider blaming this brain funk on that I’m wondering about what I might have for lunch, but that’s not really it either.

Then there’s the question of why I am out here anyway. Well, on Tuesday Caroline visited her office and enjoyed her time interacting with the boss so much that she decided that she’d start going in on a regular basis on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I wasn’t ready to go back to an empty home as I knew that routine, and at a point, I felt too isolated. That really drives home how difficult these past six months must have been for so many people who are alone.

With only 265 words written in the nearly four hours I’ve been sitting here because, of course, other conversations took place, I’m now seriously hungry and will have to accept that something insightful or even interesting is not going to flow out of me. Look at today’s photo, and you might recognize the recursive nature of what I put together; in some way, it’s a reflection of my mind falling back into itself in wondering, just what the heck did I think I’d accomplish here?

U.S. Citizenship

Photograph of a U.S. Department of Homeland Security logo.

Today, here on the last day of summer, September 21st, 2020, Caroline applied for U.S. Citizenship! It was late when we finally finished answering the long list of questions and sent the myriad documents required. After 25 years in America, she’s finally moving on from Permanent Resident (meaning Green Card Holder) to a naturalized American citizen who will gain the right to vote. There’s not a lot more to share as in so many ways she’s been an American for a long time already, having visited all 50 states, walked in the halls of the White House, been to the top of the Statue of Liberty, rafted the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon, snowshoed in Yellowstone, snorkeled in Hawaii and the Florida Keys, learned to weave and make yarn, danced in a saloon, fired guns, ridden steam trains, ate Rocky Mountain oysters, got drunk in New York City, got her Associates Degree, was the president of a fiber guild, slept in a hogan, cried romantic tears more than once at Disney, and a million other amazing impressions that have been seared into our hearts during this time of witnessing the American character and having some of that seep into her own.

If time and good health are smiling upon us, we’ll be able to share another 25 spectacular years discovering new things or revisiting some of the wonderful, unforgettable places we’ve already enjoyed. Our curiosity to wander plays a large role in this development as there are particular benefits to be found with Caroline becoming a citizen that we’ll share in a future post. Oh, I can point out that all this happening today was a surprise to both of us, but conditions happened to align that pushed things along. Then, it was also the day for the first time in over six months that I met up with someone at my favorite coffee shop; yes, they have outdoor seating, and the temps are low enough for the heat to be tolerable.

But that’s not all. Tomorrow, Caroline will mask up and head into the office for the first time in 6 months. After all this wonderful time of her working from home and us spending 24/7 together, she needs some feedback and interaction with her boss, as online meetings can only get you so far when the task at hand is overwhelmingly complex. So, in one 24-hour period, everything changes, including the finalization of our upcoming travel plans. What a strange note to end this summer with, but then again, this entire year of peculiarity on a planet where great change is happening everywhere should have been the indicator that, of course, things will be different.

Vacation Must Be Had

Gold Beech

Travel planning in a time of pandemic feels simultaneously foolish and necessary for mental health reasons and because vacation time doesn’t roll over into the new year. “Why not stay home?” is the chorus I can hear rising, but that is not a vacation when every day for half a year has been spent at home. “But you are going to Oregon, which by now is your second home?” True, this will be our 20th trip to Oregon in 18 years, but we are doing it differently this time.

We are driving not because we are horrified by flying, though we are reluctant; the main reason we are passing up the incredibly cheap airline tickets is the obscene price of rental cars for our 18-day stay at the coast. Sure, we’d like to save the four days of driving to Oregon from Phoenix and back, but at $1,200 for the flights and rental car, we’ll take the slog up through the middle of California.

Shags Nest

Nervousness is the first thing that strikes me about this new adventure. At the moment, California and Oregon are ablaze with forest fires. The pandemic is still ravaging society, and the presidential election is looming. We also don’t know how people along the way are dealing with seeing cars with out-of-state license plates and if there’s still hostility towards those traveling through their small towns.

To mitigate some of this anxiety, we are approaching things the best we can. We have a solid 14 days directly on the coast, so we won’t feel cheated by all the driving. I spent an entire day plotting our way up and down the coast with where we’d be staying. Our old favorites, the yurts, are closed for the rest of the year due to COVID-19, and staying in motels wasn’t really an option. Due to the pandemic, I am reluctant to count on three meals a day at local restaurants, and so my plan was to find lodging with kitchens.

HuntingLodge

Airbnb came to the rescue, though of the four properties it pointed me to that I booked, only two of them went through their service. Charging me $100 for having found a place on their site felt like robbery, and so where I could find a way around them, I did. Mind you that part of my pain threshold here was evinced by the fact that in the last couple of years, we were paying between $40 and $70 for entire apartments from Germany, France, Italy, Hungary, and Austria where food and cultural options were extraordinary while in rural Oregon it’s not uncommon to see people asking $170 a night for places with wood paneling, pastel quilts, and decor straight out of the 1970s. Other than the location in nature, the local food is often mediocre, and there are really no cultural amenities unless you consider a bowling alley or the rare movie theater as the height of those services.

Our destinations are well off the beaten path. Typically, there are not more than a couple of hundred people max who live within a couple of miles of where we’ll be staying, mostly, it will be a lot less than that. All of them have kitchens with a stove being essential as opposed to kitchenettes that often only feature a microwave oven for warming food. This arrangement meets a couple of criteria for pandemic travel: first, we are not in population centers, and second, we do not have to visit restaurants.

Airstream

This brings me to working on a meal plan that minimizes our need to encounter other people. While we’d love to visit some old favorites, part of the allure of vacation regarding meals is sitting down in the location to absorb the ambiance and not worry about cleaning away our mess. Taking things to go still offers the same food, but we’ll be in Oregon in late fall. It could be raining (or even snowing), and even if it’s not, not many restaurants and cafes have outdoor seating. Who’d want to sit outside for breakfast anyway when it’s barely 40 degrees? We’ve eaten in the car, which is okay on occasion but not every day. The tragic side of doing things this way is not being able to tip wait staff, who are likely counting on generous people coming through to make up for locals who might be financially pinched at this time.

Back to the meal plan. I do not trust myself when it comes to giving in to whims, especially when it involves food. How many times visiting a grocery store, do I leave with many things I don’t need or really want when my rational mind is operating? So, before we leave, I’ll fill in as much as I can regarding how breakfast, lunch, and dinner will look like. Regardless of this intention, we are flexible enough to know that visits to places like Luna Sea Fish House in Yachats and the Schooner in Netarts for Oysters Rockoyaki are de rigueur. Funny, but both of these places have great outdoor seating, so nothing to worry about there.

CozyCottage

I’m now faced with only 49 individual meals I have to take into consideration, and instead of working on that, I turned to this blog entry as looking out so far into the future regarding my culinary experiences while traveling felt tedious, daunting even. Then, as I look at the photos of our lodging choices that are featured here, I can’t help but think I need to bring our Korean Ddukbaegi bowls to make sundubu jjigae, which translates to clay pot and soft tofu stew. That would be the perfect dish while looking out over the ocean on a cold rainy day. Then what about that old Indian recipe Kadai paneer we’ve been making for years? Sounds like a good start.

Along the way, we’ll stop at Dutch Bros. countless times for coffee, and of course, we’ll likely stroll along many a beach we’ve walked numerous times before as it’s possible we’ve visited the majority of easily accessible places along this stretch of ocean. We’ll be staying in each location longer than has been typical on previous visits as part of the exercise of embracing how things are different now, so vacations should also change a bit. The idea of taking a little more time to linger, to simply stop and gaze upon the sea for entire days, has a certain appeal. I’ll report back after our return.

Through These Eyes

Simpson Hotel in Duncan, Arizona

I come to you out of the mountains. I walk across the desert and arrive at the note of the piano. From out of your history, I’ve tried to find what you cannot comprehend, what you refuse to seek. I’ve seen the beauty your eyes deny you. The waters that flow through those of us who live, are frozen in you. Distilled from the chaos of existence is a peace that, even after lifetimes of searching, may never be found, but I have captured glimpses of the exquisite, and while all are not of the beauty you might expect, such is the nature of existence.

Who I am is of no consequence to you as you don’t want or need to know me, but you will have to acquaint yourself because the story that will be told is essential for you to continue to walk into life.

Some will encounter the bearers of knowledge, the mountains of intellect where depths of wisdom stretch to the bottom of the sea, and yet all that is worthy of knowing floats on a feather and is lighter than the wing of the butterfly. You see, the complex is within everything, but the secret is that none of that matters as long as the order of things is what it should be. Here is the inherent problem as you read this: you do not understand your place among the possibilities. You require a guide. I may be that, but I may also be other things.

Simpson Hotel in Duncan, Arizona

Who emerges from within? We were born into our skin, and that external person is the reflection of those who brought us into life, but the internal version is or can be an evolving cascade of dynamics most will never see or have the opportunity to glimpse. A minute, an hour, a day, a year, nor a lifetime may be adequate to know even one’s self. How unfortunate for those who’ll never experience the tiniest fractions of their or anyone else’s internal universe.

Why are you not your own Paris, Roman Empire, Disneyland, Grand Canyon, or Einstein? Napoleon was shaped by experience and his perception of how he desired to interpret history. He manifested his place in history because he could. You must ask yourself, do you bring anything forward in the endeavor to define who you are, or do you allow the antics of the petty found in media and gossip to be the sole shapers of who you will be?

Begin to realize that nothing of an immense nature is the catalyst for change. Though wars, storms, floods, and various other catastrophes can radically alter lives, it is the tiny unseen bits that are the real agents of change. As the pen hits the paper and the first drops of ink spill onto its surface, only your mind has an idea of what direction the hand will take as a letter or image begins to take shape. Should a speck of ink grow on the page to become a letter, will the solitary character emerge as a part of a word that begins the sentence that alters the course of history?

Simpson Hotel in Duncan, Arizona

Back in 1938, Germany annexed the Sudentenland in the Czech Republic – nobody in the West batted an eye. By August of the following year, Hitler and Stalin signed a mutual non-aggression pact, but somewhere along the timeline, with pen in hand, Hitler might have written, “Soon, we invade Poland.” This is the power of language, the sign, the symbol, and messaging. Maybe this is also why many of us are ill-equipped when it comes to the mastery of skills regarding communication and our ability to think and reflect. We affect change when we commit to sharing our inner dialog in a manner that others can respond to when we are not physically present.

The key to being effective in a conveyance is allowing your expression to remain after you have gone elsewhere. From the song to the canvas, from architecture to books, it is when we can allow ourselves to benefit from that which has been shared that we’ll reap the greatest reward. Conversely, when we are vulnerable due to fear, we are most at risk of others using the signs, symbols, language, song, and facilities to marshal our dark instincts to inflict damage upon those we perceive to threaten us.

Maybe one goal we could explore is to find some understanding of what moves us between fear and tranquility. Does the megalomaniac arise out of difficult times to exploit our sense of vulnerability, followed by the compassionate and reasonable to soothe our frayed senses? What, then signifies the conditions we allow ourselves to be exploited? Is the grievance between ideologies adequate for some of our lives to be sacrificed for the machinations of the king acting out his inner turmoil?

Simpson Hotel in Duncan, Arizona

History suggests that we accept this as witnessing the drama of the other person’s unfolding story as a surrogate experience for those not equipped to discover and express themselves.

Our willful acceptance of intellectual mediocrity bordering on the stupid is a recipe for our nearly blind obedience to a system that benefits the few by harnessing the greatest number of dumb mules.

I understand that the majority cannot see their own subservience due in large part to inflated self-worth due to their allegiance to country, flag, cross, and various other ideologies they earn praise for from those they aspire to be like. But this ride into exploiting a meek ego by a ruthless ruling class is no accident; it is an accepted and long-conditioned situation that maintains a status quo that is quite comfortable for those steeped in its luxury.

Simpson Hotel in Duncan, Arizona

A solitary note from an instrument is not the embodiment of a musical narrative. The succession of notes with the accompaniment of other voices is where the magic of the song takes shape. The symphony of the self should be constructed with similar consideration. To accept ourselves as a shrill, out-of-tune string instrument is an affront to our potential to produce beautiful melodies.

Is a solitary leaf a tree? We intuitively understand that life is made of ensembles; the dog is not its tail, and we are not monosyllabic utterances of the troglodyte. So what turn is necessary for us to wake from the slumber of a lethargic existence resigned to living on the margin of something human only in name?

Like a watch showing us the seconds ticking by, we need a constant reminder asking us if we are truly doing the best we can instead of repeating a hollow and meaningless mantra of fake success in a feeble attempt to reassure ourselves and those who offer sympathetic ears that we are doing the best we can when deep down we know that’s not the truth. Few really try their best, and we intuitively know it, but if we admit it, we ourselves might need to strive harder instead of constantly rewarding ourselves with indulgences. We need a personal reformation where the individual breaks with these indulgences just as the church attempted to do 500 years ago. When you stop to think about it, not much has changed in these many hundreds of years, or at least that’s what my eyes believe they see.

Put your intentions into writing. Just take hold of a pen and a sheet of paper and see where your hand and mind take you. Write a letter to yourself of your expectations and where you think you’ll be intellectually in 10, 15, or 25 years from now. Then, ask yourself, are you walking into a vibrant life or crawling away from the ugly shadow of a person you barely know? If you never awaken to clean away the cobwebs from your mind and vision, you, too, will be nothing more than a decaying wooden figure forgotten to history. It’s time for humanity to leave the village and occupy the halls of knowledge so we might collectively peer into the unknown universe right before us.