The madness at Costco here in Arizona for the past week has resulted in this sign on my local store, announcing at the door that they are OUT OF STOCK ON ALL TOILET PAPER. I was on my way in to buy our 15th 144-pack of triple-ply ultra-soft toilet paper which would have taken us from our current stockpile of 2,153 rolls to 2,297 rolls. At only 76.5% of our objective of keeping 3,000 rolls on hand in case of emergency I think the writing might be on the wall that we’ll fail in amassing enough to have us feeling secure that we’ll be ready for any type of poopsplosion that might occur.

I was considering raiding McDonald’s bathrooms but even if I were to recruit Caroline to help me pilfer toilet paper from the women’s rooms I’m now thinking the effort might not produce the results I’d hope for. With only 212 McDonald’s in the entire state and calculating that we might only get 3 rolls per store and some may have only a few sheets left on nearly depleted rolls, we’ll have to drive thousands of miles for what kind of payoff? Plus, we have a Kia and while it’s a hatchback I can only squeeze in so much TP before I have to bring it to our storage unit, our apartment is already full. That’s a lot of driving and raiding Mickey D’s Johns but then again, what’s the price for peace of mind?

Then I see that there are 726 payday lenders in Arizona, so with this in mind, I’m thinking I’ve struck pay dirt. After visits to nearly a dozen payday lenders though I find this is a bust; because apparently while they are willing to lend me money at ridiculous interest rates they don’t seem to believe that people who are about to get a really shitty deal deserve to use a public toilet for the 10 minutes they are visiting their establishment.

Hah, I’ve figured out how to game the system during our crisis and instead of waiting for the stores to resupply their stock and fighting the horde who are resorting to violence in order to secure their own emergency supply, I’ve gone to nearly every Joann’s, Hobby Lobby, and Michael’s in the greater Phoenix area and bought out their supply of yarn. Caroline will start knitting us a supply of toilet paper in the morning and we’ll sell all this real toilet paper on eBay and be rich. Booya!