Would this poop be more palatable if I told you it wasn’t human? Would it be acceptable to poop on the sidewalk if I told you the dog that created it is homeless? What exactly makes human poop seriously gross compared to the deuce dropped by a shepherd, labrador, or mongrel? Oh, maybe it’s that you picture in your mind the deplorable human being you already see as a form of excrement that left some of his malodorous waste in the same place? If it is some tongue-lolling cute dog with a wagging tail, the shit that falls from its ass is somehow nicer, friendlier, not so threatening, huh?

Shit is shit, but the biased human pieces of shit who want to somehow eradicate the homeless shitters in their communities believe they are dealing with an epidemic that the wave of a hand can solve. Hey, you people who are moving into renovated former ghettos where destitute people once took refuge in the flophouses that you paid a cool million for, you displaced these people in your need of a hipster existence in the central core of a city that happens to have a booming economy.

You take your $2,000 dog out for a walk and have no qualms that your elite mutt, which eats K9 Natural Lamb Feast Raw Grain-Free Freeze-Dried Dog Food that costs you $20 a feeding, craps on the street, but you forgot the poo-bag, so you can justify the shit smear on the street as being all-natural expensive shit as opposed to the products of drug-addled human scum who are excreting the remains of the Chipotle they dug out of the trash. Why isn’t your dog’s shit as gross as a homeless person’s butt-spunk? Fuck you.

Every day in a 1-mile radius around my neighborhood, there are no less than six new steaming piles of feculence, and not one of those piles of stool is from some homeless person. On the contrary, they are being left where they fall off a dog that lives in a house being walked by a person that lives in a house. The number of homeless people I see with dogs is minuscule, but the comfortable wretches who might believe there are lesser human beings who should collect the turds of their terrier are abundant, and yet NOBODY is complaining about well-kept dogs leaving dung balls everywhere.

This poop hypocrisy is a load of shit in its own right. How the hell do we hold a homeless person or government official accountable for someone who needs to heed the call of nature with a satisfying number 2, relieving the pressure of a full shit-sock but has nowhere to go?

Please, someone, tell me where the homeless are supposed to go. As someone who lives indoors, drives places, and doesn’t have dogs, I occasionally have the need to leave some feces in a place other than my personal fudge pot, and I know firsthand how difficult that can be when everywhere you look you find signs that admonish you that, “Restrooms are for customers only.” Well, leaving a deposit of what had been a $75 dinner the night before it magically turned into a brown creamy stinking load might be considered a way of giving you my business. Thus, I’m a kind of customer.

If I were a dog and the person taking me into their responsibility were to fail to recognize that my paws are not able to bag my own poop, maybe they shouldn’t be allowed the privilege of sharing time with me? Who are these people who get a free pass to have their animals scatter their nightsoil to the wind and then turn around and hold people of lesser means to higher standards?